So things have been going really well, huh? You’re pretty sure you’ve just met your perfect match, and you’re definitely ready to take it to the next level. There’s just one tiny problem: you’re not too sure where Mr. or Ms. Wonderful stands on the question of going exclusive.
While you can’t persuade someone to love you, you can broach the “relationship” question in a way that leaves everyone with their pride intact, regardless of the answer . . . and may even leave you with a fighting chance in the future if the current answer is no. Here are a few tips to help you put yourself out there without losing face.
Research. Did you meet this person online? If so, you have easy access to their thoughts on serious relationships. Review her profile again to see what she’s looking for. Was she in the market for a relationship? Did she state any opinions on issues like monogamy or love? These things can tell you a lot about how interested she might be in a serious relationship, or how much time you might want to take before bringing it up.
Consider where he is now. If you’re far enough along to be thinking monogamy, you’re far enough along to know what his priorities are and where he is in life. If he’s heavily career focused or just got out of a serious relationship last month, you’ll probably want to make your pursuit slow and steady . . . or look elsewhere if you plan to be engaged by Christmas.
Get an objective picture of her feelings. This is much easier said than done, but make a serious effort to do it, nonetheless. When we’re infatuated, we prefer to interpret every small smile as a testament of undying affection. This is a good time to take all those sacred signs you’ve been hanging on to and discuss them with your friends. They’ll let you know when her smile was just a smile and when it was an invitation. Hint: Your best bet on this one is to go to a friend of the opposite sex. This is especially important for you, Ladies—your girlfriends want to tell you that his little “signs” are definite indications that he wants to marry you yesterday. Your guy friends will give it to you straight. Just be sure you hit up a friend who doesn’t have a crush on you.
Plan your timing carefully. Nothing says romance like an impulsive “I love you” burst out in a very public setting. At least, that’s how it is in the movies. In real life, you probably want to be controlled, especially when you’re not entirely certain how he feels about you. When you choose your moment, shoot for a time when you’re both sober and awake. The setting should be private and fairly quiet. (Restaurants are fine; a night at the club with your four mutual friends is not so good.) Avoid situations where your date might feel trapped, like in the car. Catch him on a day when he seems relaxed and open. Also, the middle or end of a really good date is ideal—if you start the night with a confession of love, you rob yourself of the opportunity to remind him how much he loves being around you.
Choose your words carefully. Is it geeky to practice in front of your mirror? Yes. Yes, of course it is. Should you do it? Absolutely. If you think about what you want to say ahead of time and get yourself used to saying the words out loud, you’ll be less likely to make a slip of the tongue when the time comes. Just don’t be too devoted to the script; leave room to improvise so your words sound natural and you’re able to respond to his reactions. A few things to keep in mind:
-Avoid the big words like “love,” “forever,” and “soul mate.” Those are big pressure words, and not everyone is ready to address those words, even if they are ready to talk commitment.
-Remember that this conversation is not about convincing her to love you; it’s about finding out where she stands. Rather than saying things like “Please let me love you,” try lower pressure questions like, “Where do you see this going?” or “Have you given any thought to the future?”
-Stay away from big speeches. If it turns out that he’s crazy about you, too, a nice story about the evolution of your feelings for him might be charming. But save it until you’ve snagged him. Don’t make him sit through a 15 minute speech before you get to the point; he’ll know you’re getting to something big and he’ll spend the whole thing preparing for worst case scenario, rather than absorbing your poetry.
Stay confident. Easier said than done, right? But as they say, fake it till you make it. That’s not say you should pretend to be certain that she likes you as much as you like her. It just means that keeping your posture strong, your voice steady (or as steady as possible), and maintaining a natural smile will go a long way toward keeping you both comfortable in an honest conversation about your future.
Know ahead of time what you need. If he’s not ready to commit, does that mean it’s time to walk away? What if he says he just needs more time? If he’s only interested in casual dating? If he doesn’t know what he wants? You may need to walk away and look for someone who’s ready to commit, or you may decide that it’s worth sticking around a little while longer to see where things go. Either way, you need to decide this ahead of time. Nothing’s harder than making a good decision for yourself when you’re looking into the face of the person who’s stolen your heart.
Whatever happens, be sure to congratulate yourself for your courage. It takes nerves of steel to put yourself out there, and no one can do it without a few hiccups and stumbles. But moving forward takes guts. So gather up your courage and take that leap.
