Many first-time online daters are insecure about putting themselves out there on a dating profile. Some newbies are worried about people they know finding them online, some feel the pressure of trying to impress several prospective matches all at once, and some are simply uncomfortable describing themselves. If you’ve experienced any of these feelings, know that you’re not alone. Then, review your profile to make sure you haven’t made any of these major dating profile faux pas, all of which stem from profile phobia.
Did you decide not to post a photo?
Whether you’re worried about being seen by someone you know or you just feel that looks shouldn’t matter, you need to know that leaving your photo space blank drastically reduces your appeal in the online dating world. Your photo isn’t merely meant to help people judge how attractive you are. Your profile photo really is a sneak peek into your personality. The way you smile, the types of photos you choose, where your photos were taken . . . all of these things give potential matches a glimpse into your true personality. If someone visits your profile and finds no photo there, they feel as though they only know you halfway. With that in mind, how you can hope to hold someone’s attention when there are millions of other daters out there who will reveal their true selves, photos and all?
Posting a profile picture also helps you ensure that whomever you contact will be comfortable interacting with you. When someone has posted a few photos of herself online, getting a message from a faceless person will give her the heebie-jeebies. She’s put herself out there; it’s not fair to ask her to communicate with a masked entity.
Did you trash the system?
You may not be entirely convinced that online dating is cool. You may doubt that anyone worthwhile would be cruising the Internet for love. You may find the whole situation humiliating. Fine. But for the love of all that is good, don’t say so.
If your profile starts out with phrases like “I doubt I’ll find anyone cool on here” or “I can’t believe I’ve reduced myself to this,” delete it pronto. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
The problem with this line is that you’re not considering your audience. This profile is not your Christmas letter; you don’t have to defend your online dating life to all your friends and family. The only people who will see this are other online daters, other people who have chosen the system, people whom you’ve just indirectly called “losers” by insulting the online dating pool. No one is going to look at your profile and say, “Check out this loser who can’t find a date the right way.” Keep reminding yourself: they’re there, too.
Did you invite anyone to leave your profile?
This formula should never show up in your profile:
I’m_____________, so if you have a problem with that, you can just move along.
Now, in certain circumstances, an up-front heads-up is considerate. “By the way, I have four kids.” “Just so you know, I’m celibate.” “Fair warning: I spend my summers in a nudist colony.” All good things to mention in a profile. Yet, these are rarely the issues that get the big, sassy treatment. It’s the smaller things that are billed as major points of conflict. “I’m loud in public, so if you can’t deal with that . . .” “Only talk to me if you know how to treat an emotional girl.” “I have a quick temper, so if that’s a problem for you . . .”
This phrasing will help you avoid those who wouldn’t be able to handle those traits, yes. But it also helps you avoid those who would. By telling someone they can hit the road if they can’t deal with your quirks, you’re telling them you’re not only a flawed human being (like the rest of us); you’re also combative. If you really feel something bears mentioning (like if you’re out of town 3 weeks a month), just give a little FYI. Those who have a problem with it will find the door for themselves.
Did you use your profile to vent?
So your last relationship didn’t go so well. Okay, your last six relationships didn’t go so well. Even so, your online profile is not the place to discuss it. You may have some words to say to all the lying, cheating, game-playing jerks out there, but save it for the rant forum on Craigslist. On Plentyoffish, you’re trying to charm someone. No one feels charmed by someone who uses phrases like “Prove that you know how to be honest” and “I don’t even know why I want a relationship anymore.”
When all is said and done, bear in mind that—no matter how much you hate putting it together—your profile is someone else’s first impression of you. Take some time to read it over with the mindset of a stranger who’s getting to know who you are. Have you presented yourself in a positive light? Good. Then you’re on the right track.
